So...I feel like a douche....

Just got into a fight with one of my best friends who I've known for ages. Don't exactly know why I did it, don't know why I kept on doing it. I said so much crap there that doesn't even make sense to myself anymore. I realise I've been a complete douche for the past 4 years of my life, and I want to stop. Why does this constantly happen between us lately? Maybe we shouldn't be best friends anymore? :/ But I still want to be, yet I don't feel like I should even say anything. It'll probably make things a lot worse but I also can't bring myself round to say anything to her. Why have I even started ranting about this? No one should deserve to hear my thoughts. I figure I've screwed myself over in the long run, in more than a few ways. I recommend if you read this post (Not that anybody probably does), that you forget what I said, ignore it and leave me to sit in my own filth. I deserve that much.

Just another thing quickly....Do people think I try to be how I am? No, I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry for what I did, and I'm sorry for being such a bad friend. I don't purposely go out trying to hurt people and ruin moods. It happens. I don't realise it. However, if it does happen, why don't you ever come and say something about it? I don't know why you assume I've tried to piss you off and hurt you constantly, but I can't help it. I'm honestly sorry, but you have no idea what goes through my head lately, and it's nothing good. Nothing good at all. I've tried being a better person, and if it hasn't worked, then too bad. I can't help it, and I'm sorry it's affected you, but you never tried to come and change things. Why is it that you're so annoyed at me anyway? I don't understand really, because one moment we're best friends, the next you hate me. I've just liked someone who you probably think I 'didn't care about at all', but I did. They are probably the first person I actually DID care about properly, and now they hate me, but are too nice to admit it. It's things like this that make me relish the idea of leaving the country. All the memories I thought were incredible have turned to utter crap.

So I guess everytime we talked about something, it was just a lie when you said you appreciated our friendship....but wait, you never actually did say that.