Ego mos licentia vos unus iam...

...

So...I feel like a douche....

Just got into a fight with one of my best friends who I've known for ages. Don't exactly know why I did it, don't know why I kept on doing it. I said so much crap there that doesn't even make sense to myself anymore. I realise I've been a complete douche for the past 4 years of my life, and I want to stop. Why does this constantly happen between us lately? Maybe we shouldn't be best friends anymore? :/ But I still want to be, yet I don't feel like I should even say anything. It'll probably make things a lot worse but I also can't bring myself round to say anything to her. Why have I even started ranting about this? No one should deserve to hear my thoughts. I figure I've screwed myself over in the long run, in more than a few ways. I recommend if you read this post (Not that anybody probably does), that you forget what I said, ignore it and leave me to sit in my own filth. I deserve that much.

Just another thing quickly....Do people think I try to be how I am? No, I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry for what I did, and I'm sorry for being such a bad friend. I don't purposely go out trying to hurt people and ruin moods. It happens. I don't realise it. However, if it does happen, why don't you ever come and say something about it? I don't know why you assume I've tried to piss you off and hurt you constantly, but I can't help it. I'm honestly sorry, but you have no idea what goes through my head lately, and it's nothing good. Nothing good at all. I've tried being a better person, and if it hasn't worked, then too bad. I can't help it, and I'm sorry it's affected you, but you never tried to come and change things. Why is it that you're so annoyed at me anyway? I don't understand really, because one moment we're best friends, the next you hate me. I've just liked someone who you probably think I 'didn't care about at all', but I did. They are probably the first person I actually DID care about properly, and now they hate me, but are too nice to admit it. It's things like this that make me relish the idea of leaving the country. All the memories I thought were incredible have turned to utter crap.

So I guess everytime we talked about something, it was just a lie when you said you appreciated our friendship....but wait, you never actually did say that.

Kind of depressing, but....

Is my personality wrong? Am I an evil person because of what I've done in the past? How do I say sorry for these things? I don't know. I feel like such a bad guy now for doing what I've done after something I've read. Bleeeeeeeeeeeh it's stupid. Why am I even talking about this on a blog anyways? I thought that ranting your feelings down was stupid.

Stupid crappy relationship past.

I love what I love. What can I say?

I hate the stereotypes of modern life, and all that is "cool and trendy" doesn't tend to suit me. I hate rap music, disco, techno and those sorts because it's so bland. Nobody appreciates truly good music anymore because they go with whatever the biggest criminals in the world make. It's stupid, and they surely should realise it all tends to be the same as the last piece that was the "hottest pick of the month". Smooth jazz is really my thing. It's got good tunes, it's relaxing, and just plain amazing for anytime. I wouldn't play it at a disco, but it's still amazing. I've not been able to get a single song out of my head for the past 2 hours, and have listened to it constantly:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pog13Xo-SJM

Just heard it on Smoothjazz.com radio today and thought, hey, why don't I look it up because it's pretty catchy! Took forever to actually find it on youtube because there were so many pointless and stupid videos up. Oh well, still have it! If you watch it, ignore the commentary. I don't understand it, but it gives it....personality? 0.o

How to Love...

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn
Is to love and be loved in return.
- Natalie Cole

On a chilly October night nine years ago…

I would have preferred not to write to you. In fact, about a week ago, I put a post-it note on my computer monitor that said, “What would Skyman do?” (Skyman is my cat). It was supposed to remind me not to do things that Skyman wouldn’t do.

Skyman would just wag his tail or wiggle his little nose, and hope that whoever he’s wagging or wiggling to understands that he’s hungry, or lonely, or in love, or whatever. But he certainly wouldn’t write a silly love letter to the coolest girl he knows. Because he can’t form complex thoughts. And because he’s smart enough not to be so stupid.

This evening, the post-it note fell off of my computer monitor and landed on the floor. And although post-it notes usually lose their stick after a few days, this one was different. It was still really sticky and shouldn’t have come unstuck. And it was light green, which is the color of your eyes. These were obvious signs I couldn’t ignore.

So I decided to write to you… To tell you that Hanging by a Moment is a totally awesome song. That Diet Coke tastes better when you smile. And that the world seems easier to understand today than it did yesterday.

But still not as easy to understand as two days ago, when a friend and I shared a three scoop 5 & Diner ice cream sundae at midnight. And decided that some people are like hot fudge and others are like hard candy. And I don’t remember why we decided that.

But it had something to do with friendship. And ice cream with two spoons instead of one. And later that night, after I dropped you off, I wanted to call you to ask whether you preferred hard candy or hot fudge, just to find out whether you’d sigh and giggle simultaneously when I’d ask. Because that’s what I think you’d do.

I didn’t call you because Skyman wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t even know how to dial your phone number. Because a cat’s paws are not nearly as dexterous as human hands. Which must be nice for Skyman, because love is a lot simpler when you have paws.

Anyway, it’s midnight again. And I’m sitting up in bed with my laptop thinking about how our lives begin and end in the time it takes the universe to blink. Which isn’t too long. But long enough for letters that aren’t too long. Letters that ramble instead of saying what they want to say. Which is…

I wish you were here. Just breathing beside me.

Uuuuuuurg...

Coming back to this after a very long break. A much needed one I might say? Damn myself for doing things I shouldn't have done, and having emotions too much of a taboo for what should be right. I keep going from happy to depressive, to happy again etc etc. It's putting me in one of those heartbreak moods as a friend has told me, and it's alright I guess, but I don't like it right now. I haven't liked it for the past few months...or year, I can't remember so well.

If I like something I shouldn't like, should I stick to it, or leave that thing alone for the better? ....Who knows. I just know I'll regret the choice whatever happens.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Lao Tzu

If that is true, then how different my life would be right now.

Now I'll answer two more '50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind' seeming as I missed one out on the last post, and it's been a while since I've done anything.

7) Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Thats such an easy answer for me. I'm settling for what I'm doing lately. It's bad, because what I believe in is something that spans so far away from my actions at this time. I have a love/hate relationship with my own feelings, and it's really not helping me in any way. I will tell myself I'll do something amazing, then when it gets round to it, I'll back down and leave it for another day. This I guess, is the cycle of 99% of human lives. There are only a miniscule amount of people on this planet who really fight for what the believe in. It's hard to think about that, but if you can't face the truth, then you are already a slave to sin.

8) If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I would have told someone something by now if that was the case. I wouldn't take so much for granted. I always think about things like 'What if this is the last time I walk into this house?' or 'What if this is my last meal?' and if the average life span was 40 years, that could be the case. Who knows what would really happen. The whole world could be in chaos, or it could be a wonderful place. I really don't know, but it pains me to think about it for certain reasons.

Confused, Confused, CONFUSED!!!

WHY IS LIFE SO CRAPPY AT TIMES?!?! I don't even know where I'm going for 6th form, and the options are good, but the places are difficult to get into!

Option 1 - Oakham Boarding School - Amazing place, you get to live with others, and get tutor support with good food, good places and Church services everyday! But unfortunately, I need to write a CoE for them, then might have an interview, and there are already 30 applicants a year early, for only 16 places. How the hell am I going to get in there?!

Option 2 - MGS - David went there, and he loved it. I got in when I did a year 6 entrance exam, and that was difficult then. Some maths teachers couldn't even do the questions on the test, which is insane! I have to do another entrance exam in just another few months time, and I won't have any preparation, and won't have a clue what will be on it! I also need good GCSE's to get into the first two places. I'm screwed!

Option 3 - Cheadle Hulme - Sarah went here, and she loved it as well. Unfortunately, they haven't specified what exactly, I need to do to get a place which is always really helpful. I will probably need to have an interview, as that's what I did for the entrance exam for year 7. It shouldn't be too difficult, but I'm still worried. I don't want to have to be in some other crappy school.

Basically, even if I got into all 3, I'd never be able to choose which place I would go to. It would be nice in MGS because it's a good place, and I would be able to live at home with my family, but Oakham seems to have so many more opportunities, and you get to be an individual and live with friends etc. WHY IS THIS ALL SO CONFUSING?!?! There's also another problem, but it's arisen time and time again, and I'll have to sort it out how I normally do. But it's pissing me off so much!

Let's go again.

Right, well I feel like blogging right now because...I do? Sarah is in Denmark, Harriet's in Doha with my Dad, my Mum's off shopping and David is in the Trafford Centre with his girlfriend, Ruth. I don't have much to do right now. Well, there has been a whole day of Doctor Who and I've watched quite a lot of it. I may be getting slightly bored of season 3, because it wasn't my favourite ever but I'll survive. Not much has been done lately. I'm really bored, and have nothing to do! I want to play golf, but my Mum won't let me with my foot. She also won't let me get a gym membership for a month because I can't run properly. At this rate, I am going to be so unfit at the start of the school year, and IA will be completely screwed up. I've also put on weight for the first time in 4 years. So yeah, I really need to start going out for runs.

Got nothing else to talk about, so here we go with '50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind'.

6) If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

This is an easy question. I first wanted to be an actor, and thought that would be good but then some harsh truth's put me off it. 98% of them are unemployed and you have to be VERY good to be successful at it. So I thought doing something basic like being an accountant would be fine for me. I don't really want to do anything massive or special that will make me famous so that newspapers and reporters never stop watching anything I do, and always tell everyone everything about me 1000 times over. But lately, I've watched the series 'Lie to Me'. It's amazing, and I have tried to learn a lot of the micro-expressions that they show in it. I've bought the books, 'Emotions Revealed' and 'Telling Lies' that were written by Dr. Paul Ekman, the man who discovered these tiny movements of the body. If I could become a Deception Expert, and help solve crimes by reading peoples emotions and micro-expressions, it would make me the happiest man on Earth. Just that kind of power, and that ability would make me the richest man on Earth. The harsh reality however, is that at most, 46/15,000 people can automatically tell if someone is lying. They are sometimes called 'Wizards'. Many scientists believe that even with full training, nobody can read these signs in time. Each sign is at best, 1/5th of a second long. Not even the Wizards can read them 100%. At most it would be, I would say 98% correct. So that's my dream job out the window.

I am back.

Sorry for not posting for a few days readers....If there are any of you! I have been busy and lazy the past few days. I had to take care of my foot because the cut on it got pretty bad, but nevermind about that. I've also seen my friends and finished cleaning my room! It's a miracle! It took me a while, and a lot of jaffa cakes to do it but it worked. I reckon it'll take about 1 week to turn into a tip again, but oh well. I've gotten rid of so much crap so it should be okay now. Can't wait until Lie to me comes out tonight! It will be such a good episode, but all of the episodes are AMAZING! Also, tomorrow I'm going to see Toy Story 3 again with Iain because he hasn't actually seen it yet. It was a good movie though so I don't mind seeing it again.

So now I'll continue with '50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind'. Next one was the fifth question I think.

5) What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

What to change most in the world? So many things could be changed that would be good. I could change some laws to suit others? But that would be stupid. You could change so many things, but none of it would matter. In my opinion, I would change the racial tension there has been between people, especially to do with religion. So many conflicts have come from people disagreeing with religious views, and I wish people would accept what others think, and keep to their own views without getting mad at others.

As the rain beats lightly against the window, you nestle your head deeper into your pillow. The sound is soothing and your bed feels like a sanctuary. There is no place you would rather be...

Alonzie!

Today I might see Toy Story 3! Some people have said it's an amazing film, but some of my friends said it creeped them out.. How does a film about toys freak you? Hmm. No one knows! Oh well, I'll judge it myself. I tend to like a lot of films that most people hate, which is strange. I also hate a lot of films my friends like, which annoys me because I can't enjoy myself properly when going out to the cinema sometimes. But anyway, the process of cleaning crap out of my room is going badly. You probably could have guessed that seeming as I'm blogging instead of cleaning. Now I don't know what to say next with this blog.

I might as well continue '50 Questions To Free Your Mind'. What's next...

4) When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Okay...This is even more confusing than the last question... First I need to understand the question. 'When it's all said and done' - That probably means when you have completed a task that has most likely been going on for a while. What's said is probably what you said you would do, and what's done is what you actually did do in the situation. So the answer I think, depends on what you are like. If you are an overachiever, and like to challenge yourself, you will probably have done more than you have said. However, if you are lazy, and like the idea of challenging yourself but are not actually up to the task, you will most likely have said more than you have done. This question was slightly strange, so if you have any ideas, please post a comment below.

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Well, I just finished watching Toy Story 3. It was so good! One of the only number 3's for movie's that actually worked though. Sorry, has to say that. I'll post again tomorrow.

Lets Continue.

Another day, another post, but still the same blog. David has gone up to see a friend for their 21st birthday, Harriet's gone to Doha for the last time in a while because of University. This means it's me, Sarah, my Mum and my Gran in the house only. Oh no. This could be an interesting weekend, but right now I'm supposed to be clearing my room for all the crap that's in there. I must admit, I never thought the place was getting that messy and cluttered over the past 15 years, but what do you know! I've seen books that came out 20 years ago, which is odd. I've seen old games, bad DVD's, random stuffed toys etc. It's funny really for all the rubbish in here. Well, it would be funny if I didn't have to sort it into piles and go through everything systematically and get it sorted, cos it's boring. Veeeeery very boring. Ah well, I ate a muffin today which made things better :D Cos muffins are amaaaazing! Now I'm just ranting about anything random, which I suppose is what most bloggers do.

I guess I'll continue with the '50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind' now. Lets go on to number 3!

3) If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Hmm. This is a more difficult one I would say, but still. I guess many of the things we don't like to do are necessary to gain the oppurtunity to do those good things. For example, if you are working your way up a business, you might have to do many things for your boss that you would see as beneath you, but still you would do them to get higher up in the business. Also, some people might not like excercise but they would have to do it to stay skinny or buff, which many people want to be. Then they could go down to a beach and show themselves off to people, which isn't something you get to do all the time. That goes on I guess. But I think that as time goes on, people do more things they enjoy compared to years and years ago. But really that depends on what you find interesting or not. You may be an avid gamer and play things like 'Call of Duty' all the time which is fun, but if you are an avid reader, you would find books more enthralling than games. Also because of technological advances that are becoming even more rapid each year, we get to live the life of luxury more often because when better things come out, the old things reduce in price, but old can still be good.

Sorry for ranting a lot about that, it seemed to go on for quite a while, but right now I have a sudden urge to watch 'Lie to Me' instead of cleaning my room, so I'll post again tomorrow.

2nd post....It's a record! :D

Hmm. Another post? What should I write about now? How about my day, because that is what everyone else's blog's consist of. Well I've heard about www.onemanga.com closing and...It sucks! I mean, why close it down when it's the biggest sites for manga ever! Everyone I knows who reads manga goes to there, so...why? I guess I can go for another site which is easy enough. I have one that gives manga out a day earlier than everywhere else, but the amount of time it takes for each of those pages to load makes up for that day... =.= Ah well. So yeah, saw my friend Iain today. Wooh! Played games, played football and I screwed up my leg! :D What an awesome day haha.

So, let me continue with my answers to '50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind'. the next question is:

2) Which is worse, failing or never trying?

I would say obviously never trying. What's the point in never trying in something? It's just saying you don't want to succeed in life and don't want to get anywhere. As long as you try your best in the things you do, you can say you will improve. Trying leads to improvement, so you will get better and eventually succeed. Doing nothing just leads to being lazy. Example? Not doing any excercise and becoming very fat. Not good. So yeah, always try in what you do! I'm half way there but some things I become lazy about and do badly.

Uuuh...

How do you start off a blog? Um...Dunno. Do I have to talk about my problems to everyone and moan about my life for hours on end until I have nothing more to say? Naaaah, life is too short! I've seen so many depressive blogs, and in the end, they don't make me feel sympathy for those people, they make me pissed off. Why would you talk about your problems to people who either won't actually listen, won't care, won't do anything about it, and will just end up hating you? I don't know.

Anyway's, I know this AMAZING site for questions that will make you think about anything, get help with life problems and yeah. It's really good!

http://www.marcandangel.com/

That's the link if you want to take a look at it. I found one page called '50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind'. It's one of my favourite areas so I decided I would give my say on the questions. I'll answer one question each blog post. So here I go:

1) How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

- I would say one idea is if you were a baby, you wouldn't know your age as you are too old. So some kind of age below 2 maybe? Or, if you are very old and have a bad memory, it could affect you so you don't remember your age. Maybe 90+ then? My final thought is what if you hit your head really hard, and had amnesia. Then you might forget everything about yourself, which would most likely include age as well.

So yeah, if you want, you should really take a look at that site. I recommend a lot of those posts. They all have a lot of meaning and relate to all parts of life.

Well, I can't think of anything else to say right now, so....I'll post something later. If you wanna comment, please use the section below.