Ego mos licentia vos unus iam...

...

So...I feel like a douche....

Just got into a fight with one of my best friends who I've known for ages. Don't exactly know why I did it, don't know why I kept on doing it. I said so much crap there that doesn't even make sense to myself anymore. I realise I've been a complete douche for the past 4 years of my life, and I want to stop. Why does this constantly happen between us lately? Maybe we shouldn't be best friends anymore? :/ But I still want to be, yet I don't feel like I should even say anything. It'll probably make things a lot worse but I also can't bring myself round to say anything to her. Why have I even started ranting about this? No one should deserve to hear my thoughts. I figure I've screwed myself over in the long run, in more than a few ways. I recommend if you read this post (Not that anybody probably does), that you forget what I said, ignore it and leave me to sit in my own filth. I deserve that much.

Just another thing quickly....Do people think I try to be how I am? No, I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry for what I did, and I'm sorry for being such a bad friend. I don't purposely go out trying to hurt people and ruin moods. It happens. I don't realise it. However, if it does happen, why don't you ever come and say something about it? I don't know why you assume I've tried to piss you off and hurt you constantly, but I can't help it. I'm honestly sorry, but you have no idea what goes through my head lately, and it's nothing good. Nothing good at all. I've tried being a better person, and if it hasn't worked, then too bad. I can't help it, and I'm sorry it's affected you, but you never tried to come and change things. Why is it that you're so annoyed at me anyway? I don't understand really, because one moment we're best friends, the next you hate me. I've just liked someone who you probably think I 'didn't care about at all', but I did. They are probably the first person I actually DID care about properly, and now they hate me, but are too nice to admit it. It's things like this that make me relish the idea of leaving the country. All the memories I thought were incredible have turned to utter crap.

So I guess everytime we talked about something, it was just a lie when you said you appreciated our friendship....but wait, you never actually did say that.

Kind of depressing, but....

Is my personality wrong? Am I an evil person because of what I've done in the past? How do I say sorry for these things? I don't know. I feel like such a bad guy now for doing what I've done after something I've read. Bleeeeeeeeeeeh it's stupid. Why am I even talking about this on a blog anyways? I thought that ranting your feelings down was stupid.

Stupid crappy relationship past.

I love what I love. What can I say?

I hate the stereotypes of modern life, and all that is "cool and trendy" doesn't tend to suit me. I hate rap music, disco, techno and those sorts because it's so bland. Nobody appreciates truly good music anymore because they go with whatever the biggest criminals in the world make. It's stupid, and they surely should realise it all tends to be the same as the last piece that was the "hottest pick of the month". Smooth jazz is really my thing. It's got good tunes, it's relaxing, and just plain amazing for anytime. I wouldn't play it at a disco, but it's still amazing. I've not been able to get a single song out of my head for the past 2 hours, and have listened to it constantly:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pog13Xo-SJM

Just heard it on Smoothjazz.com radio today and thought, hey, why don't I look it up because it's pretty catchy! Took forever to actually find it on youtube because there were so many pointless and stupid videos up. Oh well, still have it! If you watch it, ignore the commentary. I don't understand it, but it gives it....personality? 0.o

How to Love...

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn
Is to love and be loved in return.
- Natalie Cole

On a chilly October night nine years ago…

I would have preferred not to write to you. In fact, about a week ago, I put a post-it note on my computer monitor that said, “What would Skyman do?” (Skyman is my cat). It was supposed to remind me not to do things that Skyman wouldn’t do.

Skyman would just wag his tail or wiggle his little nose, and hope that whoever he’s wagging or wiggling to understands that he’s hungry, or lonely, or in love, or whatever. But he certainly wouldn’t write a silly love letter to the coolest girl he knows. Because he can’t form complex thoughts. And because he’s smart enough not to be so stupid.

This evening, the post-it note fell off of my computer monitor and landed on the floor. And although post-it notes usually lose their stick after a few days, this one was different. It was still really sticky and shouldn’t have come unstuck. And it was light green, which is the color of your eyes. These were obvious signs I couldn’t ignore.

So I decided to write to you… To tell you that Hanging by a Moment is a totally awesome song. That Diet Coke tastes better when you smile. And that the world seems easier to understand today than it did yesterday.

But still not as easy to understand as two days ago, when a friend and I shared a three scoop 5 & Diner ice cream sundae at midnight. And decided that some people are like hot fudge and others are like hard candy. And I don’t remember why we decided that.

But it had something to do with friendship. And ice cream with two spoons instead of one. And later that night, after I dropped you off, I wanted to call you to ask whether you preferred hard candy or hot fudge, just to find out whether you’d sigh and giggle simultaneously when I’d ask. Because that’s what I think you’d do.

I didn’t call you because Skyman wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t even know how to dial your phone number. Because a cat’s paws are not nearly as dexterous as human hands. Which must be nice for Skyman, because love is a lot simpler when you have paws.

Anyway, it’s midnight again. And I’m sitting up in bed with my laptop thinking about how our lives begin and end in the time it takes the universe to blink. Which isn’t too long. But long enough for letters that aren’t too long. Letters that ramble instead of saying what they want to say. Which is…

I wish you were here. Just breathing beside me.

Uuuuuuurg...

Coming back to this after a very long break. A much needed one I might say? Damn myself for doing things I shouldn't have done, and having emotions too much of a taboo for what should be right. I keep going from happy to depressive, to happy again etc etc. It's putting me in one of those heartbreak moods as a friend has told me, and it's alright I guess, but I don't like it right now. I haven't liked it for the past few months...or year, I can't remember so well.

If I like something I shouldn't like, should I stick to it, or leave that thing alone for the better? ....Who knows. I just know I'll regret the choice whatever happens.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Lao Tzu

If that is true, then how different my life would be right now.

Now I'll answer two more '50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind' seeming as I missed one out on the last post, and it's been a while since I've done anything.

7) Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Thats such an easy answer for me. I'm settling for what I'm doing lately. It's bad, because what I believe in is something that spans so far away from my actions at this time. I have a love/hate relationship with my own feelings, and it's really not helping me in any way. I will tell myself I'll do something amazing, then when it gets round to it, I'll back down and leave it for another day. This I guess, is the cycle of 99% of human lives. There are only a miniscule amount of people on this planet who really fight for what the believe in. It's hard to think about that, but if you can't face the truth, then you are already a slave to sin.

8) If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I would have told someone something by now if that was the case. I wouldn't take so much for granted. I always think about things like 'What if this is the last time I walk into this house?' or 'What if this is my last meal?' and if the average life span was 40 years, that could be the case. Who knows what would really happen. The whole world could be in chaos, or it could be a wonderful place. I really don't know, but it pains me to think about it for certain reasons.

Confused, Confused, CONFUSED!!!

WHY IS LIFE SO CRAPPY AT TIMES?!?! I don't even know where I'm going for 6th form, and the options are good, but the places are difficult to get into!

Option 1 - Oakham Boarding School - Amazing place, you get to live with others, and get tutor support with good food, good places and Church services everyday! But unfortunately, I need to write a CoE for them, then might have an interview, and there are already 30 applicants a year early, for only 16 places. How the hell am I going to get in there?!

Option 2 - MGS - David went there, and he loved it. I got in when I did a year 6 entrance exam, and that was difficult then. Some maths teachers couldn't even do the questions on the test, which is insane! I have to do another entrance exam in just another few months time, and I won't have any preparation, and won't have a clue what will be on it! I also need good GCSE's to get into the first two places. I'm screwed!

Option 3 - Cheadle Hulme - Sarah went here, and she loved it as well. Unfortunately, they haven't specified what exactly, I need to do to get a place which is always really helpful. I will probably need to have an interview, as that's what I did for the entrance exam for year 7. It shouldn't be too difficult, but I'm still worried. I don't want to have to be in some other crappy school.

Basically, even if I got into all 3, I'd never be able to choose which place I would go to. It would be nice in MGS because it's a good place, and I would be able to live at home with my family, but Oakham seems to have so many more opportunities, and you get to be an individual and live with friends etc. WHY IS THIS ALL SO CONFUSING?!?! There's also another problem, but it's arisen time and time again, and I'll have to sort it out how I normally do. But it's pissing me off so much!